Saturday, February 24, 2007

A high risk posting


OK, I am taking a big chance here.

Among the hundreds of emails I get each day, there are inevitably the "funny" jokes and stories people send me, but there are actually some good ones, too.

I am going to take a chance of alienating you, my loyal and/or new readers, with just a few of my favorites. I hope you like them, but I hope you won't hold it against me if you don't. At worse, it will help you understand the underlying personality disorders of this particular hospital CEO . . . .

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Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

--

... at a science presentation by the 8th grade today, we learned that overexposure to helium "can make you die and then have brain damage."

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Two diary entries. His & hers.

HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY
Today, the PATRIOTS lost, but at least I had sex.

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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,"No ma'am, they're dead."

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A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl Game.

As he sat down, a man approached him and asked him if the seat next to him was available.

"Yes," he said sadly, "the seat is empty".

"This is incredible", exclaimed the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sports event in the world, and not use it?"

Somberly, the man replied, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

Shaking his head he replied, "No. They're all at her funeral."

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I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 90?"

He then asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks or barbecued ribs, or any of those types of meats?"
I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I replied.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care how long you'll live?"

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In honor of Spring Training:

A Red Sox fan used to amuse himself by scaring every Yankee fan he saw strutting down the street in the obnoxious NY pinstripe shirt.

He would swerve his van as if to hit them, and swerve back just missing them.

One day, while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going Father?"

"I'm going to give mass at St. Francis church, about 2 miles down the road," replied the priest.
"Climb in, Father! I'll give you a lift!"

The priest climbed into the rear passenger seat, and they continued down the road.

Suddenly, the driver saw a Yankee fan walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back into the road just in time.

Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud "THUD".

Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything.

He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Yankee fan."

"That's OK," replied the priest, "I got him with the door."

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And, finally, reflecting my MIT nerdish upbringing:

Q--Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A--To get to the same side.

Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by a traffic cop.
Cop--"Do you know how fast you were going?"
WH--"No, but I know exactly where I am."

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

>>Werner Heisenberg is pulled over by a traffic cop.

I was wondering if there might be a Timothy Leary version?

Perhaps Johnny Carson has already covered this one?

Great set of jokes. Loved the one about the primary care doc.

Anonymous said...

The Red Sox fan story is awesome!
You see, God is a SOX fan(smile)
Can't wait for April 2nd
Hope the Yankee fan was seen & treated by the BIDMC/Fenway nurses.

momo said...

Laugher as medicine works for me.

Anonymous said...

OK, here goes.

Timothy Leary is pulled over by a traffic cop.
The cop asks him, "Do you know how high your speed was?"
"No," he says, "I prefer LSD."

...
I still can't believe the CEO of a multimillion-dollar organization has a real blog. Aren't you in meetings twelve hours a day?

Susan said...

Paul, thanks for the diversion, those jokes are hilarious and have gotten my morning off on a good note!

Rob said...

Nice stuff, much of it actually funny, which is rare.

Ok. The Heisenberg one made me laugh out loud.

eeka said...

That "find X" thing will never stop being funny.

Anonymous said...

Wonderful stuff. Nice to know the guy at the top has a sense of humor!