In the continuing series on email solicitations to the CEO, here is one from a marketing company. If you are a marketing company, shouldn't you be better at marketing? Sorry if this embarrasses the sender, but I can't leave out certain items as I present the critique.
Hi Paul, [Use of "Hi" rather than "Dear". Use of first name rather than "Mr. Levy". This is overly familiar. May be appropriate among people of a certain generation, but definitely not so for people of my generation. BTW, in our hospital, we have a rule requiring patients to be addressed as Mr., or Mrs., or Ms. until and unless the patient permits the use of the first name.]
A friend of mine said we should be in touch. [An anonymous friend of his said we should be in touch. Is this supposed to be persuasive or meaningful?]
I am the Business Director for **, the leading medical marketing communications agency in Pittsburgh. [I love Pittsburgh as a city, but give me a reason to consider a firm that is not local when it comes to marketing.] We specialize in helping medical clients and laboratories build powerful brands and interactive experiences. [Why would I think that interactive marketing experiences would be of any value to or appropriate for a hospital?]
Can we be of any assistance to Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center? [Hint: Never ask a question that has "yes" or "no" for an answer. The answer will always be "no".]
[Absence of "Yours truly" or other such closing.]
- Greg [Still overly informal.]
** Medical Marketing Communications The Marketing Agency to Medical Clients & Laboratories http://www.**.com/ [Poor formatting in that three lines of text are grouped together instead of starting each afresh. If I want a marketing company, I want one with good graphics and presentation skills.]